The Pink Slip

I call myself underemployed because I went from working a FT and PT job to only the hourly, PT job that is less than half of the FT salary job. From a corner office to a cubicle with high traffic and low walls. Well I now work from home, thank goodness but I do not like it here! Yes, I am grateful to still have some kind of steady income but it also feels like a fall from grace :/ I am adjusting, bear with me. Anyway, this is my story and this blog is just a way for me to vent on the job search, the frustration, depression that comes with it, fight to keep going, keeping a strong front on social media like my life hasn't missed a beat, what pandemic eh? Pretending to be stoic when friends and family keep telling me they are praying for me and not to worry: the right job (and man) will come, God's timing is always right bla bla bla *rolls eyes*. Yes, I am single too, we shall touch on that a little. God, if you are reading this, let me know if you need a little push in my job placement. I am tired of worrying about when my next gig (and decent man) will find me.

Guys, this is the first time in my adult life that I have had to search for a job relentlessly for over 8 months, and still counting. This pandemic did a number on me and millions of other workers like me. On January 1, 2020 I was content, happy, excited and ready for a prosperous year. I was working two jobs, most of my debt paid off, credit was almost hitting 800, I even ordered my new SUV online (no money down, low interest rate), and was making plans for a summer trip with friends and family to France, Germany, and somewhere around the Black Sea.

I finally had a vice grip on adulting and living the American dream, but my intuition was gnawing at me. Life has been so good for the past 5 years, I owed it to God's grace but I wasn't exactly living my life in the straight and narrow like the Christian I wanted to be. While I was active in church, tithing more, attending bible study, doing more of God's work by making care packages with inspirational notes and cash for the homeless, I still felt that I wasn't living 100% right and knew I will somehow  face God's wrath. And if it had to happen, I believe 2020 was it when things would take a turn. I wasn't living right in the sense that there were people at work I couldn't stand and wished they'd be fired, I was dating someone for the wrong reasons etc. Not very Christian-like, you see!

Sure enough, the pandemic hit and on April 30, I lost my main job. The cushy, C-Suite, FT job that came with a flexible schedule, corner office with a view and fat check, gone just like that *snaps fingers*. My superiors were cruel to let me go on the last day of the month, late afternoon when my last paycheck and benefits also ended. I was angry to say the least. I immediately went online, filed for unemployment, updated my resume, checked labor laws to see if I could sue them. There's more to that. I reported to two egomaniacs and my life at that job for the past 2 months pre-pandemic was hell to say the least. Imagine having a new boss that you personally on-boarded turn around after a few weeks, and starts yelling, barking orders and doesn't speak to you anymore, bars you from managers' meetings thus keeping you from doing your job effectively. Apparently, all that is legal in my southern state which is very employer friendly. I even contacted the office of the tough-as-nails lawyer, Gloria Allred! The attorney who got back with me told me it would be hard to prove any kind of discrimination, it may take lots of years and resources and I'd have an indelible mark on my name should I take it to court. I felt so small and powerless as I begrudgingly signed the termination agreement and accepted the measly severance pay. 

Luckily, unlike many others, I still had a part time job that I could rely on and my unemployment was approved. My income was significantly reduced but I was still able to pay my bills, continue saving, and even travel, which is my number one therapeutic hobby. I now had lots of time which on some days  I spent in bed sleeping due to my depression, some days I am upbeat, I go hiking, or put on makeup, dress nicely and drive around my city and take photos. Kinda like self-dating ha! Speaking of which, I attempted online dating and met a handful of somewhat decent guys. One of them stuck for several months until I found out he was just "like the rest of them", and I recently dumped him. I signed up for an online fitness class, could barely complete half of it because some days I was in great spirits but on others I could barely get out of bed. I'd drag myself to go downstairs and work my part time job in customer service/call center then crawl back into bed after my shift is over. I hate it here! Somebody hire me already! PS: I do eat and take showers daily but I look a hot mess while I am indoors :/

I've spruced up my resume so many times, tailored it to meet different jobs. Have had about 5-6 interviews, most which were quite good only to be rejected days later. I have cried, begged and even threatened God! Reminds me of the bible story of Jacob who wrestled God, maybe He will bless me with a job soon! I can see how some people just end it all, I really do. I have had some really tough days where I could be watching tv and a scene would trigger my hopeless situation and I'd start crying. Depression is real! I fight it everyday but around my friends, or on social media my life seems perfect, even better pre-covid. They see me gallivanting around the city, out of state, in the Caribbean.....but only I know what hell I am living. 

 I have not left my house in 4 days. From my bed, to the couch watching Netflix, on my phone looking for jobs, in between bouts of tears. I miss the guyfriend that I just broke up with and I am scared about my future. How long will I work this part time job? When will I stop feeling sad about the breakup though it was much needed, unemployment will soon run out, what will I do? I am soon going to dip into my savings and the thought terrifies me. 

Help me!